Say When
by BeautifulxxDisasterx
Summary: He came across him lost and broken. His eyes were close, his skin even paler than usual. There's bandages covering his torn up wrists, but he imagines what they look like underneath the white and he vomits. Oneshot based on 'Say When' by The Fray


**Summary: Say when and my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight, say when and my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight say when. [based on "Say When" by The Fray]**

_Mmmhi. First of all, I'm going to say that I realize that a lot of this beginning stuph did not happen in the show. I actually have no idea what happened when Reid and Morgan first met. But for this story, this is it. My story, I get creative freedom. Second of all, The Fray is amazing, and this song is so amazingly powerful. I suggest you listen to it before you read this, while you read this, and for many many times following. I love this song._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds nor do I own "Say When". _

_............................................................................................................................................._

**Say When**

He stops suddenly, catching sight of a tall, lanky kid with superfluous amounts of thick and wavy brown hair that comes walking into the bullpen nervously, big brown eyes switching from item to item, and he wants to know his name. He bites his lip, and shoves his hands into his neatly pressed khaki pants he has paired with a brown and red plain button down shirt and a crimson red sweater vest. The much larger man feels a smile tug at the corners of his lips as he eyes the tan messenger bag resting over his shoulder. He catches sight of the staring man and walks over to him.

"E-excuse me. I'm Spencer Reid. I'm uh, looking for an Agent J-Jason Gideon. Do you happen to know w-where I can find him?" he's obviously nervous, and the older man has no idea where he came from.

"Yeah. In that office, right over there." he answered, pointing his finger in the direction of his supervisor's office. The kid (he can't be over 23) nods and thanks him before heading off. With his back turned, he's completely unaware of stare from someone, but that someone doesn't mind. He cocks his head to the side. He figures it might be wrong, but he feels a sudden need to really know this kid.

Spencer returns moments later with Gideon at his side.

"This is Agent Derek Morgan, Spencer." the head profiler introduces. He smiles nervously. "Morgan, this is Dr. Spencer Reid. I want you to show him around a bit. Show him the ropes of everything for the first little while he'll be here."

"So he's the new kid?"

Gideon sighs.

"Yeah, he's the new kid."

Morgan eyes him. "What are you here to do?"

"Uhm, profile criminals in order to provide justice for their crimes?" he mumbles, a puzzled expression on his face.

"I mean, what's with the whole doctor thing? If you're a doctor, then why are you _here_?" A relieved expression washes over the new comer's face. Finally, a question he can answer.

"Well, I have a triple PhD in Chemistry, Mathematics, and Engineering as well as BAs in Psychology and Sociology." he tells him with a smile. Morgan stares at him.

"And how old are you, exactly?"

"I'm almost 24."

The older profiler shakes his head, turning away from the newest member of the team, secretly way more than impressed by him than he's letting on.

.............................................................................................

Spencer Reid will never know why he chooses to open up to Derek Morgan. He'll try to wrap his head around it on multiple occasions, but he never can. There's just something about the way he looks at him, concern shining in his eyes, simply saying "Talk to me, kid" that makes everything he's hiding come spilling out like he never meant it to. Sometimes it scares him because he's headed straight for the road of actually trusting someone, something he told himself he'd never do ever since Gideon left, ever since every single person he'd ever trusted left him to try and figure everything out on his own.

And yet here he was, spilling his guts to Morgan about everything.

"You know what I think, kid?"

"What's that?"

"I think you're kind of like that song that's been playing in the background all along, one that everyone knew was there but no one really payed much attention to. And yet, now you're turning up, causing everyone to rise and meet _you_. You're more than anyone thought you'd be, kid. Don't let them ruin that now."

And from that moment on, he's trusting Derek Morgan more than he ever trusted anyone before.

........................................................................................................

"Reid? Hey, kid?" the form in the corner whips around at the sound of a voice. He knows who it is, even if all he can make out is the outline. He knows that voice anywhere. He bites his lip and huddles further into himself.

The company of one kneels in front of the terrified man who is chewing on his lips and looking out through sullen eyes he barely knows. He grabs his hand and looks him straight in the eyes.

"Talk to me, kid."

He breaks down right there, gathered quickly into strong arms, and he listens to slow breathing through his tears.

.....................................................................................................

"Thanks for coming tonight, Morgan." he mumbles, embarrassed. His friend grins.

"It was no problem." he starts to leave, but stops, "Hey, kid, you do know that this wasn't a one time, deal, right? Say the word, and I will be right here for you. Always."

"Yeah, I know." he whispers with a small smile, welcoming the hug that follows.

Yes, he definitely knows.

.......................................................................................................

They figure it's probably wrong, this thing they have going on. But, in their defense, it was never supposed to happen. It was never supposed to get this far. It was never supposed to turn into something more than it was.

However, when they press their lips together in the sanctity of somewhere in which no one can tell them they're wrong, they don't feel it is. It's just them, and if someone might think it's wrong, they just don't care.

.......................................................................................................

He rests his head on his chest, closing his eyes and pretending like that moment will never end. His companion's fingers weave through his tangled mess of brown hair without really thinking. He sighs.

"This might blow up in our faces one day, pretty boy." he mumbles.

"Why should we care? We're careful no one knows and even if they did..." he trails off, not wanting to bring it up.

"It won't matter." is whispered and a kiss follows holding an unspoken promise of always.

........................................................................................................

They find out. They find out and there's screaming and tears and yelling and fear and diversity and buried wishes digging themselves out and there's packing and hearts breaking and there's leaving and there's broken promises and he just can't think straight anymore because he feels cold all the time and the nights are too lonely and he can never breathe because the air is bare without him and it all just hurts.

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He left a note. They found it next to him and gave it straight to its owner. It read:

_Morgan-_

_I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. Please forgive me._

_Love always,_

_-Reid_

That was all. It was stained with teardrops in places that soon welcomed fresh moisture. The ink smudged as he clutched it in his hands.

All it took was 2 weeks.

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He came across him lost and broken. His eyes were closed, his skin even paler than usual. There's a surrounding beep at every beat, and he doesn't know how he stays here. His hair is dull. He smells like a hospital. There's bandages covering his torn up wrists, but he imagines what they look like underneath the white and he vomits. His own eyes are bloodshot, and he refuses to leave the room.

They might as well smell like hospital together.

.......................................................................................................

He's slow in waking, but eventually, Reid flickers is dull brown eyes open. He looks around the room and catches sight of Morgan. He bites his lip, preparing himself for anger, but all he gets is tears, a weak smile, and a kiss. He tells him he missed him, and he returns the favor because he did. He really did.

.......................................................................................................

When he knows that everyone else is coming, he starts to shake. He still hasn't spoken about what happened because he knows. He knows when he does, all that pain is going to come back. All those demons, all those thoughts. He just doesn't know when. Spencer Reid wants to cry, but there is absolutely nothing coming. His eyes connect with Morgan's, and he knows. He knows that they're all going to push until he gives in...or says when.

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Morgan sits next to him when they arrive. He's clutching his hand, and he doesn't let go when they step in the room. They insert themselves into the middle of the hurricane as they explain exactly what it's going to be like for the rest of their time together. They have to accept it because if they don't, they lose both of them.

It's awkward at first, but everyone comes around with time.

.....................................................................................................

They both understand something about the world after those weeks spent in a hospital. They learn that everything began with a man and country. They learn that it's possible for God to be on both sides of the gun.

On the day they're due to leave, Reid looks at Derek with his big brown eyes back to the way they should be.

"Why is it that some of us never get it so good, Der?"

He shakes his head. "I don't know."

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When Reid finally tells Morgan what happened, he says he thinks part of it was because of everything he'd seen while he was doing his job. He saw so many broken hearts, so much pain, so much blood. He'd seen so much.

"I think I felt like it was my fault. This is our world. We created it." he mumbled, toying with his boyfriend's fingers. There's a sigh, and he feels a kissed pressed to his lips.

"I think that some of this messed up world was here before us, pretty boy." he comments, "But I think that_ all_ of this will go after us. We set ourselves up for a miserable cycle a long time ago, baby boy, and I don't think it's every going to end. Not until we say when it will."

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That night, Morgan kisses him with a promise of always. A promise of being there whenever, to comfort him, to carry him, to be his, he just has to say when.

Reid says when every single day in his own little way. Because he knows.

Yeah, he knows.

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End file.
